Hide and Seek

Holding you between the pages of the books, feeling you flow from one person to another, watching you wrap every person in your embrace like the mild breeze, I stand there; still, numb.

I have always been unable to understand what magic you hold in yourself that makes people dance and cry, jump and slump, smile and shrug. I don’t know how you can cut like a knife yet soothe like a peaceful walk on a calm night.

It has always been difficult for me to know when you are around me, for we have been playing hide and seek since childhood and I haven’t been able to find you till date. All the people around me tried to get us along, but our wavelengths never matched.

I probably will never be able to hug you like other people or be calmed by your warmth, for I am the dumb and you are the words. We live in the same world but will never have the privilege of meeting.

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Certain Uncertainties

You feel like hiding your face in the pillow or sitting in the closet all day, every day. You are so vulnerable that you’re always on the verge of crying and you know that you’ll burst in tears if someone genuinely comes and asks you ‘are you okay?’.

I know. You sit on the grass digging holes in the ground, plucking each blade of grass thinking about their fragile life. You feel lost most of the times. And you’re in a constant state of numbing nothingness where you don’t know anything about what’s happening around you, where you have no answer to any question that is being asked to you. You just sit there, in an irritatingly lost mood, trying to figure out things; trying to figure out life.
So let me tell you this one thing – I don’t know if you’ll ever feel complete, or if you’ll find a way back to love, or if everything in your life will piece together. I don’t know if you’re going to figure out your life, or if you’ll ever get back to being your old self again.
All I can tell you is that I know, and I know for sure is that despite all these problems, all this blankness, you’re going to be alright. You’ll survive. You will be a changed person, yes. But a changed person for good.
You’re going to wake up one day, and I don’t know if you’ll find the sun shining a little brighter, but you’ll find one thing –

You’ll find a way back to yourself.

Beauty

I sit here in this empty hallway, thinking about the memories that are engraved in a way here. Memories of me and you spending quiet moments, appreciating each other’s existence; memories where I couldn’t take my eyes off you and you stood still, beautiful as always. Whenever I crossed you in this hallway, I couldn’t resist appreciating your grace and beauty. You, in turn, never said a word. But your presence said it all. All the profound words, you expressed with grace. I still can’t forget the day I first saw you. It was love at first sight and I couldn’t hold back my feelings so elite! I also can’t forget the day when you came into this house, our home. It was pure bliss, to have you around. To have your quiet yet strong presence was the strongest of feelings I felt till date.
And yet, today I stand alone in a home we made together, now abandoned. So I take this moment to say that I miss you. I miss standing so close to you, tracing your curves, looking at you with eyes and heart full of love. All that I am today is because of you. It is you who inspired me to become an artist. It is you who aroused my love for art! And yet, I had to let you go today, to another appreciator of beauty.. my most honored, beloved Hussain painting.

Daunting Lullabies

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When some other girl comes in your life, she will find my ghost still lurking in the dark corners of you.
She will be the priest who will try to purify you and I will be the evil that will refuse to leave.

She will get to know you inside out except for why you never visit that coffee shop in your neighborhood anymore. It’s because its every nook and cranny is haunted by our love.

She will never know why you always take her only to the clubs and the discos. It is because I was the one who you took home to your mother.

She will always know the best of you but I will always be the one who will have seen the worst of you. I will always be a visitor of parts of you that you have now abandoned.

I will always be there, sauntering in and around your memories.
I will always be the one who you dream of.
Daydreams then, nightmares now.

She will come to know that you had loved a lioness and tried to tame her. She will then know why you have claw marks on your soul and bite scars on your heart and why the long past pain still lingers in you.
She will know why you walk around with a decapitated self.
It’s because no one has ever walked unharmed after trying to handicap a fierce woman.
You will crave for my kind of love like an addict craves for drugs. But you will not find it anywhere.
Because my love is one of its kind and you were too late in realizing that I won’t turn back once I decide to leave.
So you will see me living happily with a lion, making memories in some other coffee shop; and your insides will burn like molten lava, when you’ll look at us from a distance like a hyena.

You will never be able to love anyone anymore, no matter how hard you try.
Because I am the one whose footprints you can’t wash off your mind and heart, whose voice flows like blood in your veins, whose laughter defines the beats of your heart; and now that I have left, your eyes give an insight of your emptiness.

Others will never know why your hollow laughter and every single breath reek with my presence and why you walk around with a ‘haunted’ placard, giving out my fragrance in every word you speak.

~ Memoirs of your haunted dreams

Journey of the Soul

I’ve been on the verge of crying for too long now.
The tears have been brimming on the edge of these eyes forever.
I know how the shattering of dreams sounds.
I know how the hollow premises of the heart echo
When it has been abandoned by its owner.
I choke halfway through my words
Some fall out, the others stay inside
Brewing their toxins into my blood.
I explode a million times on the inside
But the mundane outer appearance never changes.
The smile, in reality, is a mere carving on a stone.
I turn away from everyone, to face my little universe;
A universe made of simpler joys and sorrows of life,
A universe that has consumed the whole of me yet has consumed nothing at all.
I sit so long that my receding hairline becomes evident
And my outer self becomes weak,
But my distorted universe never ceases to storm my insides.
I stumble on a mere thunder,
I fall on the tiny gravel.
My weak body lets go of my vibrant soul,
The rains pour down on my coffin;
Entirety of universe mocking my fragile body
Yet rejuvenating my shrinking soul.
Maybe I was never meant to exist as a human.
Maybe the universe had other plans for me.
Maybe that is why when the sun’s rays broke through the clouds to fall upon my coffin, my spirit danced in joy,
Leaving behind a sparkling rainbow in its wake.

The Orphan

I sit here in this deserted park, on an autumn afternoon, gazing at the leaves that fall from the branches of the trees. I wonder what a tree must feel when a leaf falls from its branch. I wonder what the leaf must feel when destiny snatches away the shade it has been living under, all it’s life. I wonder how terrible the pain must be for a parent to be departed from a being of it’s own. But I can relate to the autumn leaf that falls off and decays slowly into the ground.
Passersby adore even that tree who has been abandoned by leaves but never stop to look at the fallen leaves.
That’s how I feel too, as a part of this society.

I turn to my side where two children are playing and I see their parents sitting close, keeping a watch on them. They seem to me, the most carefree children around. After all, what do they have to worry for? Broken pencils and lost erasers? Yes. For all the other worries, their parents are there to look after them. It unknowingly brings a smile on my face. It’s nice to think about the warmth of parents’ love and care, and how it makes a protective shell around the child to keep away all the harm there can be.

I turn to the other side and my smile fades away on seeing a teen kid sitting on the other side of the road, begging. I’m then clearly reminded of the brutal truth that not every kid is lucky enough to have a shadow of their parents guide their way. Some are mocked by destiny and are being thrown into the world to take care of themselves on their own. They don’t get the warm beds to sleep or cuddly toys to play with. They learnt about life the hard way.

Isn’t it a destiny’s play that on one side of the road, there is happiness and contentment, and on the other side, there is suffering and loneliness? How different these two worlds are, separated by just a road!

I then turn to face the building in front of me, at the end of the park. “Sunshine Orphanage” reads the name of the building. It is followed be the statement, “an orphanage of lit up lives.”
I wonder how many times irony would’ve died in this destiny’s play. I think about the kids that live there. I think about the first thought that crosses every kid’s mind who lives there – Will I be the kid to get picked today?
That, and also the disappointment of many, for not being the chosen one. It feels like a vegetable in a food market. People will come and pick the ones that suit their eyes. Nobody bothers to know about the unpicked ones. Then be it a vegetable or an orphan kid.

I then look at a passing school bus and see the happy and enjoying faces of the little kids sitting in it. I think about how lucky they are to be able to attend the big schools, and to not have to worry about how things will work out. They just have to have fun and attend lessons. Yet I see so many ungrateful children fighting because they couldn’t look better than their mate, running away from their homes, everyone having their reasons. Some leave because they cannot adjust with their folks, some leave because they feel like they found someone to spend their life with, some leave because their demands were not fulfilled by their parents. I say, let them lead a life the children at orphanage do, just for one week. Let them struggle with the feeling of being left alone and no nearby door to knock for help. Let them live a week with the roller coaster, starting with excitement while dressing their best when someone comes for adopting a child and the disappointment that follows when somebody else gets picked. Let them live the life of an orphan for just one week and I bet they’d never in their lives talk about leaving again.

Sometimes you don’t value what destiny has already rewarded you with. The more you have, the less you care. That is why sometimes you need to lose what you have so you can realize what you had, and appreciate what you get. Some great man once said that “there is no better teacher than time”. I add to it “and no better lesson than absence of something.”

I then look down at the grass beneath my feet and feel thankful for at least having a ground to walk freely on. Thinking about freely, I’m reminded that I’ll soon be an adult and I’ll have to find a place of my own to live. The home schooling has taught me many things that might help me to set up my own base. Orphanages don’t usually support children over the age of maturity because they don’t always have the funds to support our careers and further lives.
I then look back at the giant tree and witness the last existing leaf on the entire tree, fall off. I saw it falling on the ground and getting mixed with the other fallen leaves, walked over by pedestrians and cyclists. I then imagine myself as one among the fallen.

Yes, I am the orphan no one cares about. My parents left me here when I was one year old for god-knows-what reasons. I don’t know what mother’s love and being daddy’s pride feels like, unlike the other privileged children. I long to get my hair caressed, and my cheek kissed, to feel my father pat my back, just like every other parent does with their child. My unseen wounds ache to be nursed by the care and attention of my folks. I want to know what family feels like. My eyes fill with little tears, thinking about how my parents must look or if I’ll even recognize them if we happen to cross paths. Will they recognize me? Whose looks feature more in me? Do they miss me? Will they ever come searching for me? Are they even alive?
A thousand questions to ask, just this deafening silence to answer.

I’m the orphan who exists in this society like particles of dust exist on the roadside. Yet I’m determined that I’ll fight the destiny for what I deserve, before I decay into the unknown depths of this ground. I’m determined to transcend what destiny wrote in my account, to make a place for myself.

One thing is crystal clear in my head – I’ll either make a place for myself into this world, or I’d decay and mix with the ground, trying. For hope is my drug of choice and I’m certain that it’ll either kill me or get me what I want. Both the chances are worth a shot. After all, what’s there to lose anyway?